Until My Lungs Give Out
by Dolores Storey
Summary: A compilation of Sebastian's favorite memories of his family through the years. From the early works of Myra and his relationship, to young Lily sleeping under the Christmas tree like the little gift she was. Spoilers for TEW2.


"Like I said, you need to get some rest." The young detective insisted. His partner growled curses under her breath.

"You're not my mother, Sebastian!" Myra looked away from him, avoiding his parental stare. Sebastian may not have raised her, but his concerns were just as severe. He had sat by her bedside since she got out of surgery. There was sweat on his brow every passing second as he waited her awakening and now that she was lucid it was as though fury tripped into her IV instead of morphine. At least she her personality was intact.

"But I am your partner and goddamn it I'm allowed to be concerned." Barked Sebastian as he finally stood from his chair. His slow pace grew anxiety in Myra's chest.

"You didn't need to come here…" She sighed, clearing her throat, "You have things to take care of at the station-"

"You're all that matters." Sebastian interrupted, looking back to her. "I care about you Myra, and I will stay here until you recover." He sighed deeply looking towards the clear skies in the sterilized window. Krimson looked so different from the 8th floor. Everything was so small, so miniscule. The entire city could have faded away and he wouldn't have cared. No one even knew what had happened today. Tomorrow they will look in the newspaper with an empathetic sigh and then move on, but for Sebastian nothing mattered but this hospital room. Even if she didn't know it, Myra meant more than any other person in Krimson and he would do anything to keep her safe.

Tinks of wine glasses and the warmth of her perfume overtook his senses. Myra's spectacular smile was stained red from the merlot; her pale lipstick had been licked away through the laughter during the course of the night. Every conversation was meaningless to Sebastian as he dove into her mesmerizing eyes. Every tiny little movement she made had left him in the brink of bliss.

"And did you see his face when his glasses broke?" Laughed Myra, throwing her head back against the couch, He had never seen her intoxicated, and he had to be honest, the sight was amusing. Myra could have found humor in everything in her state. He would trade the world just to see that smile on her face.

"What are you looking at Sebastian?" She chuckled, her soft eyes squinting at him.

"Maybe we should get you to bed Myra, it's getting late." Sebastian suggested, setting down his glass, "I'll get you some water." With a confused expression, Myra sat forward and gripped his arm, her mere touch sending sparks through every nerve in his body.

"No," She said, her smile dissipating, "I want to stay up a little longer…" With brows furrowed she looked away, looking suddenly sober, "I don't think I want this moment to end."

"Look at her." Breathed Seb, in awe of the small infant resting upon Myra's sleeping chest. No matter how loud the monitors and bustle of the hospital may have been, the newly made family was in their own quietly lulled world. Their daughter couldn't have been more perfect. Ten toes and ten fingers, little pudgy cheeks and beautiful doe eyes, little Lily was an angelic beauty. Seb gently caressed her soft head, where her tuft of brown curls felt like peach fuzz on her soft, pale skin.

"Where would I be without you, Myra?" Whispered Sebastian, kissing his wife's cheek. He breathed in the fading scent of her shampoo and rested his chin softly on her blonde locks. Myra had been asleep for nearly an hour now. She had been so worried about Lily, but now with her so close, she was in a peaceful slumber in her warm embrace. Although she probably couldn't hear a single word Sebastian said, he couldn't help but speak. "Everything I've done in my life has been for you and for our family." He started, holding her closer to him. "The day you were shot everything fell apart. The idea of losing you was… was unimaginable. I couldn't imagine a day without your smile, or your voice." He nuzzled closer to her, "I'd relive every awful moment in my life just to be here in this bed with you, with Lily. I won't let a day go by without reminding you what our family means to me, I'll say it every moment until my lungs give out, my love."

Warmth. A cool, soft heat above him as Sebastian lay there with eyes closed. Just months old, his daughter was sleeping on his chest. Her whispered snores were like a lullaby to the new father. What did he do to deserve such bliss?

"Sebastian? What are you doing under there?" Cinnamon and unbaked pie filled his senses as another person scooted next to him. "Are you asleep?" Chuckled Myra. He shook his head before finally opening his eyes. Above him were bright golden lights nestled between pokey little pines of their Christmas tree. Ever since childhood he'd lie under the display before all the presents were placed about. It was a strange sight sure, just two legs peaking out from the tree while he looked into the branches, but from down here it was stunning.

"I forgot you do this." Myra shifted next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Lily seems to like it, she's fast asleep." Sebastian closed his eyes again, taking in the other sensations of such a comforting moment. Myra's hands were still damp from washing dishes and her apron was probably scattering flour all through the carpets. He could still smell the fresh cut apples they just spent hours preparing. Then there was the warmth of her embrace and the little LEDs above and the small bundle on his chest. Sebastian wasn't sure his beliefs on God but… for a moment he thought he was in heaven.

"It's beautiful under here." Said his wife, her chilled cheeks nuzzling against his neck. "Like a little fairy land." He could feel Myra gently patting Lily's back. "We should do this more often."

Sebastian was never a big fan of art. While he would often draw quite well while at work he never saw it as anything more than doodles. When someone would ask whom his favorite painter was he would simply say his daughter and that was why he was in a museum now. Little Lily was running from painting to painting with a pad and crayons, getting inspiration and jotting down colorful ideas.

He couldn't help but admire Myra in her pretty cream dress. She admired every masterpiece in detail, often sparking conversations with others about the meaning behind certain brush strokes.

It was good to see his family so happy but on the other hand, Sebastian wasn't having much fun. Traditional art was interesting to him but modern art on the other hand… didn't make as much sense. He couldn't understand why a group of people seemed so intrigued by a plain green canvas. He supposed he found beauty in other things like waves crashing on the lake he'd often take Lily on, or the bright sun creepy through his office windows just before night.

With a deep breath he stared at a portrait of a young woman. The blue dress she wore looked like something Myra had worn on their first anniversary. However, unlike Myra, the woman had curled brown hair and a glimmering green necklace. The roses to her side stuck out like a sore thumb. Who came up with this? Sebastian peered down at the artist's name, which always came with the name of the model, Emily Lewis. He knew and Emily, she was a cheery young blonde who'd come to give coffee to Joseph and him late at night. She was a new intern.

"What do you think?" Said a man with a thick accent. Sebastian looked behind him at a man with a proud grin.

"Well," Seb started, "I'm not a huge fan of museums. I guess I don't really understand it."

The unnamed man chuckled before stepping closer to the work. "Look beyond the woman. Look into her soul, look into every fiber of her being." He patted Sebastian's shoulder, "Appreciate the art."

"Sebastian?" Myra walked over with Lily in her arms, "finally find a piece you like?"

Sebastian shrugged, looking to the man, "It's interesting, for sure."

It had been a long night that had stretched early into the morning. Finally at 5:47 AM little Lily was finally asleep, curled up between her parents. The poor girl had suffered a nightmare. With soft, sleepy lulls, Sebastian kept her in a comfortable dream. He dreaded looking at the clock, knowing he'd have to be getting to work in just under and hour. He paused his song to yawn deeply, his sore eyes squinting in the first few lights of dawn.

Late in the evening Lily had ran into the bedroom sobbing. Finding a safe haven in the bundle of her parents' blankets. "Monsters took you away from me! They crushed you up into little pieces!" She cried to her father.

"It was just a bad dream Lily," Sebastian soothed, holding her small hand.

"Tell us what happened Butterfly, what did it look like?" Asked Myra, worry had set deep in her face.

"He was so scary! It was big and had a big box for a head." Lily buried her face in her mother's chest.

Sebastian patted her back, "Now that doesn't sound to scary. Did he have a soggy old cardboard box for a head? Like the ones in the basement?" Maybe making the ghoul into a funny character could help her fears settle.

"No…" She sighed, "It was all bloody and he beat you up." Tears began welling up in Lily's eyes once more.

Myra kissed the top of her head. "Now come on Lily, look at your Daddy and try and tell me he couldn't take on a mean monster with a box for a head."

"I'm as tough as they come!" Chuckled Seb, giving his wife a bright smile.

Lily sniffed, showing signs of recovery. "But, Mommy. A monster didn't have you. Scary people in fancy clothes took you away and I couldn't get to you!"

It was Sebastian's turn to prove the terror wrong. "Mommy wouldn't ever leave us. She's been at your side every time you needed her. She's Super Mom!"

Lily giggled, finally showing her missing tooth grin, "Yeah!" She scooted over and hugged Myra tightly, "Mama's never gonna leave."

After all of this, there she was. Lily, his beautiful, bright little girl fast asleep in a hotel bed. She had grown so much… and he had missed it. All of those birthdays and Christmas presents… But right now Sebastian would just appreciate the silence and comfort of this tiny room with his daughter. Tomorrow they'd take a trip to where ever Lily wanted. She had asked to see ponies and rose gardens and big tall buildings. He would be sure to give her all of those things and more.

He just couldn't believe it. He had spent six years mourning her. The memory of her funeral was still so fresh in his mind. No one had spoken, they were just in horrified silence. Only two pallbearers were needed to life her tiny coffin. No matter how light it seemed, the weight was crushing on Sebastian and Joseph's shoulders.

But now Lily was here. Alive and breathing and curled into a little ball under the covers, wearing one of Kidman's while button down shirts. She still smelled like the apricot shampoo she had bathed with. He could spend every last minute of his life like this, just watching her sleep, watching her _breathe._ Under her dark hair he saw the faintest of smiles - Myra's smile. Her mother still live on within her it had seemed.

"Sebastian." With soft bare feet on the carpeted floor he heard Kidman enter the room. "I brought you some coffee." He looked over at her as she stood at the foot of the bed with two mugs. Feeling exhaustion creeping into his joints he took one from her.

"Thanks, Kid." Sighed Sebastian before he took a testing sip from it. It was just cool enough to start drinking it. After all this time Kidman had seemed to remember just how he liked his coffee.

"Black with one sugar still, right?" She asked, setting down beside him.

"And more cream than coffee for you?" Seb chuckled. Kidman smirked before looking down into her milky drink, watching the steam pour off of it. His former partner hadn't really changed in the past three years. Her hair was a little darker and longer but as she sat there in a grey nightgown he felt as though no time had passed at all.

"I'm sorry, Seb… for all of this." Kidman softly muttered. "I don't deserve your forgiveness. You lost everything and it's all my fault."

For a long time he had blamed Juli. There was no one else to blame. He didn't understand many things about what had happened in STEM but he did know the people he had lost. Joseph had died at Kidman's hand. He had lost his job, his life, his will. However, his return to STEM began to change his mind on the matter. He had to confront his past, his trauma, his guilt, and his fears and Kidman was with him with every moment.

"I thought you had ruined everything." Sebastian let out a heavy breath and looked up at the faded curtains. "But you weren't in control of any of this, were you?"

Kidman shook her head, "It doesn't matter who was in charge-"

"You were just doing what you were told. You had no control of what could've happened."

"It doesn't make what I did right."

Sebastian grabbed on to her shoulder with a sigh. "Listen, Kid," he said, preparing to be more honest than he had been in a long time. "We've all made mistakes. Terrible mistakes but… we don't deserve the suffering we force upon ourselves from what happened. Especially when we couldn't control the situation. I've spent so long blaming myself for what happened to Lily, for Myra leaving, for Joseph's death. That's how you found me, at the bottom of another bottle in a daze between being drunk and being hung over. I was a mess, but I wanted to be stronger. I knew I'd have to leave behind the past, no matter how much it hurt, because there was a future for me. You have to realize that you are worth so much more than your suffering, Juli. This isn't a situation you can be blamed for. You shouldn't let yourself carry the guilt that belongs to others. They got what they deserved. Don't you think it's time for you to get what you deserve too?"

For once in Sebastian's life, he had seen something from Kidman he didn't think was possible: a tear. A single tear slipping down her right cheek, taking on the pigment of her faded eyeliner.

"Sebastian…" She sniffed, wiping her face, "that is what I wanted to tell you for so long… Thank you."

He wrapped an arm around her, holding her close as he looked back to Lily. After all this time, his happiness had returned and he hoped that one day Kidman would reach bliss too. But, he knew that the terror of her trauma would haunt her for a long time, however there would be one day in which the heavy bags of pain would drop from her grasp and she'd be able to move forward. Sebastian didn't ever think that day would come for himself until that moment as he looked as his little Butterfly and knowing that a future was awaiting him. He closed his eyes for a moment and thought only one thing.

 _Thank you, Myra. For everything._


End file.
